IUI #2

We had a somewhat surprising/early positive LH surge on day 11 (yesterday) around 3pm so called in before the 3:30 deadline for an insemination the next day (today). T also had a nice dip in temperature this morning. Our favorite nurse, Lois, did the insemination today and met our little one who was conceived in the same clinic and came along with us. It was definitely a family affair! 

Sunday is kind of fun at the clinic. Itโ€™s basically closed-down and we were the only people there. Our kiddo was very curious about why her mama was laying on the exam table and snuggled up with her after insemination during the 15 minute lie down.

She inexplicably sang โ€œhappy birthdayโ€ all morning, which neither of us taught her. We definitely took that as a good sign ๐Ÿ˜ Hoping for a little brother or sister soon for this kiddo. 

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1 down…

We’re not pregnant. We decided to test 10dpo (I got my first faint positive with our daughter on that day) and it was negative. Commence the mind-fuck that is the 4 days until period starts. We held it together very well, but both admitted that we were hanging onto a shred of hope until her period started today. Ah well. 

It was weird and a little activating to stare at a negative pregnancy test again. This time not for my own body, but my own baby and wife nevertheless. My heart still raced as we waited the requisite five for the test to marinate. And we both took turns squinting and holding it to different lights.

I am definitely wary of falling down the all consuming rabbit hole that was our very own baby making hell. I hated trying to get pregnant. It sucked. Fortunately, I loved being pregnant and being a mom is the most rewarding/amazing/beautiful/fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. So. I know it’s worth it. Getting there was just really hard. And maybe therein lies my reticence. It’s difficult for me to get excited about this process. Because as much as I try to wrap my head around being positive and laid back and go with the flow, it’s scary, and I am having trouble getting past that. 

Insemination #2 in t-minus 2 weeks. ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿผ

Baby #2

Today is IUI #1 for baby #2! (Wife’s 1st pregnancy attempt). She said to me last night, “I’m sorry if I didn’t seem excited when you were trying to get pregnant. I know what it feels like now.” Which was actually not a jab at me, more of a reflection of our last process and this process now. She is just so excited and I am also excited but it is more muted. I have lots of nerves (and also don’t want to get my hopes up too much) but I feel a lot less pressure. We are also telling people that we are trying this time around, which is kind of fun. 

*Later…*

I am currently sitting in the waiting room with a vial of sperm nestled in my bra. It was a little like visiting an old friend when they handed it to us. This is half of our daughter’s genetics! This is (partly) how we got the most amazing gift we’ve ever received. And my excitement has grown exponentially. It makes me feel close to our daughter and her potential sibling, who will be a part of my daughter and a part of my wife and a part of me too. And that is pretty exciting. I’ve never been so happy to see sperm in my life! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

*A little later*

And we’ve got swimmers swimming in my wife’s uterus (which I put it there :)) and she is currently laying with her hips elevated! 

And now…we wait. 

Anonymous Sperm Donor

So it’s been some time since I posted! Though I have been following pretty closely regardless ๐Ÿ™‚

I recently joined and then dropped out of a FB group for people who used or are the product of a donor or donors. I thought it would be interesting but immediately realized that it is actually pretty anti-donor families. At least the last several posts have been. 

As I was wading through posts, some donor conceived (DC) people had very strong emotions. One went so far as to say she hates her mother and wishes she had never been born. Obviously some issues there, but started to freak me out a little. Some expressed that they felt that the term “donor” was dehumanizing for them and made them feel as though part of them wasn’t “real.” Others expressed that they felt anonymous sperm donation should be illegal. Some have looked for anonymous donors through DNA banks like 23 and me in order to find relatives related to their donor. 

We initially used a known donor, related to my wife, but this was a pretty traumatic experience as I lost that pregnancy and our relationship with donor and his wife got very complicated and a bit hostile (if I knew how to link to that post I would…it’s probably one of my first posts). 

Anyway, fast forward to us looking for a new donor and we decided to go anonymous, in part because of our traumatic experience with a known donor and in part because we knew that we would really like to have more than one child and we wanted to buy as much sperm as we could afford (known donor sperm is more expensive). 

So, anyone have any input on this? I don’t want our child to feel deprived and we plan on having siblings from the same donor. We are also in connection with 3 donor sibs. We have already made a book for our kiddo on Shutterfly telling the story or her conception and plan on always being forthright with her. Anyone go the anonymous route? What do you call your “donor?” 

Graduating and jobs and mommyhood, oh my!ย 

I haven’t blogged in quite some time and was looking through my most recent entries. I wrote a post on baby girl going to daycare as I started an internship, and the anxiety I felt over that transition. Now graduation is quickly approaching and that old anxiety is rearing its ugly head. I don’t have a job yet and that is really weird and hard and I have not been in this position…like, ever. I’ve basically been employed on some level since age 14 and was employed in my field for 5 years before returning to school. 

I had initially really rejected the idea of returning to my old stomping grounds. I left pretty burnt out and pretty sure I did not want to do that particular kind of work again. So, I did my internship in a completely different mileu and, while it was educational, it made me realize how much I would like to go back to my old employer (now with higher credentials and higher pay). 

So I wait. Basically, my old employer is contracting with a new high school in town. The new contract includes a school schedule (hours, vacation, and summers off!) I am beyond interested. This seems to be the closest I can currently get to the work/home balance I really need. Plus, I would receive free supervision for my post-grad independent licensure with a supervisor I totally love. And working with teens is my jam. I have the most experience and comfort with this type of work. 

It really feels within reach but also so perfect that I am worried it won’t happen. I am basically just really worried. There are so many unknowns right now and I’m applying to other places but in a completely half-hearted way. 

I am worried we are going to go broke. I am worried that I am going to have to take a job with shitty hours in a shitty location. And mostly, I am worried that I won’t get to be a mom in the way that I want to be. I don’t want to send my little to daycare 40 or 50 hours a week. I was in daycare that much and a f-ing hated it. That’s not to say that daycare is bad or that she doesn’t enjoy it, but I really want to have a balance that allows her to be with me or T a couple of weekdays as well…or all summer ๐Ÿ™‚

My anxiety regarding starting part-time  daycare proved to be unfounded. I am really hoping that this will all be water under the bridge soon. 

Update!

So I finally dragged myself into my Ob/gyn and she prescribed me some topical estrogen cream…at 9 months postpartum and still bf-ing, I haven’t had my period return yet, which means my estrogen is way down. Basically, I have the vagina of a post-menopausal woman! Here’s hoping this will put a little pep back in my…step. 

So…TMI

It’s been awhile since I blogged but I have been keeping up with the going ons of all these wonderful birth, pregnancy, and child-raising posts. All is really well here and I am loving mommy-hood. Little girl is so crazy amazing and her little personality is so sweet and funny and shining through more and more (8 months now!) I could gush forever about her…

But that is not why I am writing. I am writing because, sex. We’ve definitely not been having it as much as we used to, but overall, frequency isn’t a big deal right now. We’re still making it happen, in between busy work, child care, school, and sleep schedules. What I am concerned about, and particularly want to ask those in lady/lady relationships…postpartum pain during any kind of penetration, what’s that about? I feel like I don’t really have a lot of information to go on outside of hetero-pairings with p in v sex…but what about those who have penetrative sex with other things (namely, fingers and [maybe someday again], toys). 

We are 8 months out and it just…sucks. It hurts. We have tried going slow. Using lubricant. Lots of communication…but it just doesn’t feel good. I have been being patient with myself and we have been having lots of fun doing other stuff, but I really miss not being 100%

It blows me away that 6 weeks is considered go time for penetrative postpartum sex. Like, according to who? But 8 months seems sufficient, no? Any advice or just others who have experienced similar things? Is my vagina going to be broken forever? 

(Also…I had very minimal tearing in childbirth.)

Anyway, I would be so thankful for any input!!