I haven’t blogged in quite some time and was looking through my most recent entries. I wrote a post on baby girl going to daycare as I started an internship, and the anxiety I felt over that transition. Now graduation is quickly approaching and that old anxiety is rearing its ugly head. I don’t have a job yet and that is really weird and hard and I have not been in this position…like, ever. I’ve basically been employed on some level since age 14 and was employed in my field for 5 years before returning to school.
I had initially really rejected the idea of returning to my old stomping grounds. I left pretty burnt out and pretty sure I did not want to do that particular kind of work again. So, I did my internship in a completely different mileu and, while it was educational, it made me realize how much I would like to go back to my old employer (now with higher credentials and higher pay).
So I wait. Basically, my old employer is contracting with a new high school in town. The new contract includes a school schedule (hours, vacation, and summers off!) I am beyond interested. This seems to be the closest I can currently get to the work/home balance I really need. Plus, I would receive free supervision for my post-grad independent licensure with a supervisor I totally love. And working with teens is my jam. I have the most experience and comfort with this type of work.
It really feels within reach but also so perfect that I am worried it won’t happen. I am basically just really worried. There are so many unknowns right now and I’m applying to other places but in a completely half-hearted way.
I am worried we are going to go broke. I am worried that I am going to have to take a job with shitty hours in a shitty location. And mostly, I am worried that I won’t get to be a mom in the way that I want to be. I don’t want to send my little to daycare 40 or 50 hours a week. I was in daycare that much and a f-ing hated it. That’s not to say that daycare is bad or that she doesn’t enjoy it, but I really want to have a balance that allows her to be with me or T a couple of weekdays as well…or all summer 🙂
My anxiety regarding starting part-time daycare proved to be unfounded. I am really hoping that this will all be water under the bridge soon.