So it’s been some time since I posted! Though I have been following pretty closely regardless 🙂
I recently joined and then dropped out of a FB group for people who used or are the product of a donor or donors. I thought it would be interesting but immediately realized that it is actually pretty anti-donor families. At least the last several posts have been.
As I was wading through posts, some donor conceived (DC) people had very strong emotions. One went so far as to say she hates her mother and wishes she had never been born. Obviously some issues there, but started to freak me out a little. Some expressed that they felt that the term “donor” was dehumanizing for them and made them feel as though part of them wasn’t “real.” Others expressed that they felt anonymous sperm donation should be illegal. Some have looked for anonymous donors through DNA banks like 23 and me in order to find relatives related to their donor.
We initially used a known donor, related to my wife, but this was a pretty traumatic experience as I lost that pregnancy and our relationship with donor and his wife got very complicated and a bit hostile (if I knew how to link to that post I would…it’s probably one of my first posts).
Anyway, fast forward to us looking for a new donor and we decided to go anonymous, in part because of our traumatic experience with a known donor and in part because we knew that we would really like to have more than one child and we wanted to buy as much sperm as we could afford (known donor sperm is more expensive).
So, anyone have any input on this? I don’t want our child to feel deprived and we plan on having siblings from the same donor. We are also in connection with 3 donor sibs. We have already made a book for our kiddo on Shutterfly telling the story or her conception and plan on always being forthright with her. Anyone go the anonymous route? What do you call your “donor?”
Queer and Conceiving 
I joined that same facebook group, I think. It has been super interesting to read the perspectives of so many anti-donor individuals. To be honest, I think they represent a very small minority, many of whom were not told honest stories by their parents until much later in life. I have done a lot of research on this topic, and I think that when a child can openly and candidly discuss their feelings and questions about being DC, they are usually totally fine. It’s important to recognize that it DOES impact the kid and pretending it didn’t happen or that they shouldn’t discuss it is very bad for their emotional health. But, obviously same-sex families HAVE to discuss it and we can do so in a loving way. One of the ways we plan to discuss our donor with our kids is with great affection and appreciation for his gift. We chose an open-ID donor, and I cannot WAIT to hopefully meet him someday, but we’re going to try to prepare or children for the possibility that there is no guarantee and we’ll recognize his great qualities in them.
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Thanks for sharing!! I definitely considered that those who are in that group and DC are likely disproportionately against DC since those who are ok with it likely wouldn’t be joining forums to discuss it and seek support. Anyway, I’ve definitely enjoyed staying connected with my daughter’s diblings and actually just connected with a new one today! I have some feelings about wishing our donor was open but wouldn’t have my daughter if we had chosen differently, so am obviously just thankful for the gift that is our baby girl. I hadn’t thought about the term “donor” as dehumanizing and am glad I got that perspective. Remembering to be sensitive and accepting of any and all feelings regarding this is definitely key.
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