I just realized I never updated about the birth of our son. Now that we have a 3 month old, I suppose better late than never. We have a 3 month old! He came 3 weeks early via induction due to increasingly bad hypertension which turned into postpartum preeclampsia and hypertension. We’ve learned now that “egg donor” pregnancies carry an increased risk for this, though we were never informed about this prior to conception or during pregnancy. While this would not have changed our decision to do RIVF, I think it would have definitely informed my healthcare decisions during pregnancy (for instance, following a preeclampsia prevention protocol and not leaving the hospital as soon as we did).
Birth was much tougher this time around, with lots of pitocin and a Cook’s catheter that felt like a torture device. It took awhile to get labor started and that part was pretty lovely–just me and my wife walking around talking and laughing and stopping mid-conversation to get through a contraction. They had to keep upping the pitocin because contractions weren’t super regular. We were nearing the highest dose after on and off laboring all day and I was really worried things weren’t going to take off. I wasn’t even considering pain relief until I started to have pretty intense active labor and got into the tub but started throwing up and feeling pressure. I would not let them check my cervix and they estimated that because the catheter hadn’t fallen out, that I must be around 3 cm.
How wrong they were! I demanded an epidural before allowing them to do any cervical checks and as soon as the epidural kicked in, the catheter came out (honestly, I just remember what looked like a full-sized balloon dripping in blood emerging from me, but things were all a little dramatic at that point), they checked me and I was at a 9cm and going through transition! They left me for awhile (someone else was pushing out their baby), and I tried to “rest” but really just shook uncontrollably and felt terribly restless with lots of pain still, particularly in my lower back. I realized I needed to push!
A whole team of women came rushing in (including a very attractive doctor who was not my midwife) and that was pretty cool, from what I remember, wife agrees 😂 She checked me and my water broke and it was time to push! It was much harder this time around and I think it is because my epidural was not as potent as my firstborn’s and I basically didn’t push with her until I had really labored down and she came out with very little effort.
Baby boy was a different story and it felt like I was getting nowhere (in actuality I pushed for about a half hour, which isn’t that long comparably). Mostly, I felt like my head and face were going to explode and I didn’t feel like I was “doing it” right. My midwife came in just in time to catch the baby. She instructed me to do some more controlled pushing but I just hulked out and ended up tearing (also didn’t happen with my first). Midwife did some weird shaming/scolding for not listening to her (which was her general demeanor throughout the birth because she didn’t agree with the other midwife’s recommendation to induce). I wish I had delivered with someone else, but we knew that there was a risk that we’d get someone whom we didn’t really like from the midwife group (and I actually did like this midwife prior to my birth with her but had heard some negativity about her from other women).
Baby weighed 7lbs and was 20 inches, even at 37 weeks. He took to nursing very quickly and all seemed well. We left about 24 hours after giving birth. He was very sleepy and struggled with staying awake for feeds but overall all was well until I got a headache that just wouldn’t go away. We went back in, found my bp was very high and liver enzymes had doubled. They diagnosed me with postpartum preeclampsia and started me on magnesium and I was readmitted to the hospital for 2 days. I feel thankful that they took my concerns seriously and monitored me closely.
Being sick and away from my newborn and toddler was a bit traumatic. My wife was a rockstar and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in such a scary time. Magnesium SUCKS. I was under the impression that my BP issues would be corrected once I did it and that was not the case. I was put on beta blockers for 6 weeks before things evened out (and had hypotension for the last week which was also really uncomfortable).
I also felt like my bonding with my boy was delayed and my MIL noted that not only the time away but the threat to my life/health may have impacted that early bonding. I think she is probably right. But I am so so in love with this little boy now. He is amazing and so easygoing–he basically just sleeps, eats, poops, and smiles. We actually are only just starting to hear him belt it out and he is very easily consoled.
My wife has had more time with him then with our first and we actually split maternity leave since baby was born in Feb. I took 8 weeks (mostly unpaid, yay America!), wife took 6 weeks (paid) and then I will start a 12 week summer vacation next week (paid)! Baby will be about 6 months old when he starts daycare, which we feel good about.
Big sister is doing pretty well with everything. She was initially smitten and is more ambivalent now, with some jealousy for sure but has had very little regression and no ill will toward the baby. Mostly just attention-seeking behavior directed at me. She does still ask to hold him frequently and talks to him. He thinks she hangs the moon and smiles whenever she is near.
They look SO much alike and I love that they are genetically bonded with the same donor (and same belly mama!) but also with my wife and my individual features as well. We all genuinely look alike! It is not necessary of course, but super cool.
Queer and Conceiving 